Mind the Gap
Dysphoria (feeling down or depressed)
Chills I am not a weeper but I was finding my self breaking down without warning or control. Feeling as close to depressed as I can appreciate having not typically been someone prone to negative feelings. Being overwhelmed by the thought of facing the day ahead and getting more and more fatigued as sleep wouldn't come. Since the chemo started, it was the first time I felt completely overwhelmed by what had happened and what lay ahead. I'm not blaming the painkillers for every negative emotion; I know that mixed into the comedown are genuine feelings of sadness, anger and frustration at the situation. But I was a different person, someone I did not recognise and the extreme nature of my reaction was definitely influenced by the withdrawal. Which brings me to today. I am lucid. (as much as I usually am!) I can hold a conversation and my head feels clear. I think (hope) I'm through the worst of it. Horrible. Next stops are my back operation in 3 weeks, paraprotein update in 2 and half term next week when hopefully, we'll get away as a family for a couple of days. What I have learned from the above and take into the next phase of this journey, is I now appreciate that the battle against myeloma is being fought on 2 fronts. The physical fight is in the hands of the medics who are making decisions on medicines to be administered; my job is to trust in them and deal with the side effects. Quite a passive role to have to take but that's just the reality of being a patient. More in my control is the mental battle that up until now, I was taking a pasting in. I have to find a way to live with the facts of the disease and not only know that I have to maintain a positive frame of mind, but believe and feel it too. This will take time but having been through the lows of the last few days, I feel a bit better prepared for this particular challenge. I break every day into 2 halves of activity to help get me through 24 hours; right now, I'm ready for a good nights sleep.